An afterthought. That's who I am. An afterthought.
Ask anyone I know and I swear, I'll never be the answer. I never was. Never will be.
That's who I am. Never did I became anyone's best friend. I don't know why. I tried to become one, but no one ever felt I was good enough to be theirs. I was never the first person they call when they had problems. I was never the one they ask for advice. I was never trustworthy enough to share their secrets with. I was always left in the dark. I exist only when whomever they consider best friends are no longer helpful. I'm the backup. I'm the afterthought.
I tried being caring and sympathetic. Being the apathetic guy that I was, and still am at times, caring and sympathizing with anyone is a struggle. But I managed. I was able to at times when I needed to because others needed me. And I was there. But now, I don't know why. I don't know why I even bothered.
It's too much of an effort to actually give myself to anyone. Let alone care for them.
It's a simple fact. People don't like me. People don't need me. If I die right now due to some freak accident, no one would notice. No one would ask. No one would care.
Funny thing is, they always tell me they miss me. But nowadays, saying 'I miss you' is nothing but a gesture. An act of politeness.
It's like history repeating itself. The thing that drove me to become antisocial and numb is happening again. Neglect. It's worse than being rejected. At least a rejection explicitly showed ones dislike towards me, neglect, just happens. I was nowhere near good enough to get noticed. I don't exist. Being antisocial and numb kept me sane. Saved me from all that rejection and neglect. Saved me from all the hurt.
If it weren't for them, I'd be a lonely loser, blade in hand, cutting his wrists off. I am not suicidal. It's stupid. Ending my own life for anyone is just not worth it. I'd rather cause misery and pain to others than end my life because others are miserable to me. Crazy, I know!
I hate to be sulking loser. So I don't put my heart on top of my head. Otherwise, I'd be a mess. I deal with things the way things can only be dealt with. And it's not with a shrink. Apathy. Apathy is a friend I have come to love.
Tomorrow is just another day. I'll deal with people and their best friends with me always in the background. But I don't care. Not even close.
