It's Two Fold

I was trying to help you to understand and trust me.  I wanted you to get mad at me and let it all out.  I wanted you to release your anger rather than let it build.

It’s two fold!  You can’t keep holding it in.  Whether it is the death of your family or simply me being an asshole you need to let it out.  Deal with it at that moment!  I wanted you to yell and scream at me so you could realize that I’m not going to up and walk away on you because you act like the asshole I am most of the time.

The second reason is that I want you to let me in.  Let me be a part of your world.  I want to share in your happiness and help you deal with your pain.  I want to be that pillow you always hug.  Whether the road is rough or smooth I want to walk it beside you and not behind you.  Part of my learning to be a better person than I was in the first two months that we were together required you to let me in and allow me to love you.  I would have an easier time seeing the world from your point-of-view if you let me see everything you see!

Don’t be sorry.  You don’t owe me anything and to this day I still can’t even figure out why you love me?  I don’t want to be the clone of you and I seriously doubt you would want me to be either but for me to figure out my place in your world I need to be allowed inside.  If you want to treat me like them then I will never be any more than what they are right now.  I can’t attain a level of equality with you if we’re not traveling down the same road together.  I’m not really sure what I am to be in this world but I know I won’t achieve it without you and I can’t do it if you don’t trust me and love me enough to let me inside.

You might just think I am on this fun ride and I’m going to get bored and eventually want off but you are wrong!  I am having the time of my life and even if I get bored as long as I am with you it really doesn’t matter.  I know you don’t see the changes in me but I am seeing the world differently every day!  There is so much beauty right in front of me, and it can be as simple as a hug from friends or a good joke someone tells or the dog simply snuggling up against me when I am asleep.  I see everything differently now and it’s all thanks to you.  I understand that of all the things you’ve said and taught me the most important might be to live each day to the fullest!  I’m not going to spend another day on the side of the road feeling sorry for myself!  I want to see the world and I want to do it with you beside me as my other half.  I’m going to spend my life trying to make you happy and make myself worthy of the love you give me everyday.

- Derek Anderson (The Road Home)

^^Those words could either mean something or mean nothing. It's two fold

Push-Pull Depression. A Prelude to Graduation

I'm feeling as though I'm in between feelings much like a push-pull amplifier's behavior.

Hindi sinasadya tong nararamdaman ko. Sa katunayan nga, masaya talaga ako. Sa darating na Sabado gaganapin ang graduation. Sa wakas, matapos ang mahigit limang taong pagpupuyat at pagsusunog ng kilay (ok, that would be too much, I'm not exactly a die hard student), ako ay makakapagtapos na ng kolehiyo. Mairaraos ko na ang aking pamilya sa kahirapan, maaari ko nang abutin ang aking mga pangarap (again, this is too much, haha. masyadong madrama).

Subalit, sa kabila ng ligayang dulot ng aking nalalapit na pagtatapos, tila ba may mga damdaming di ko maipaliwanag na siyang nagdudulot sa akin ng kalungkutang nakakubli sa aking mga ngiti at halakhak.

Matatapos na ang yugtong ito ng aking buhay, buhay na halos dalawang dekada ko ring kinagisnan. Nasanay na ako sa pagiging isang mag-aaral at kahit na masasabi kong medyo sawa na ako sa buhay na ito, hindi pa rin maiaalis sa akin na mangulila dito. Sa aking pagtatapos, isang panibagong mundo ang sa akin ay haharap at ako ay hinihikayat na makipagsapalaran upang abutin ko ang mga pangarap at ang inaasam asam na tagumpay na maraming taon ko ring binuo sa aking isipan.

Isang malaking bahagi ng aking pagkatao ang nabuo o binuo nang ako ay pumasok sa kolehiyo. At sa limang taong pamamalagi ko sa pamantasang ito, di na mabilang ang mga taong nakilala ko, at ang mga karanasa't panahong "I shared with them" (di ko lang alam kung paano ang magandang translation nito, haha). Ang lahat ng ito'y nagbigay sa akin ng mga bagong kaalaman na siyang tumutulak sakin upang makinig, mag-isip at magsalita, mga bagong pananaw na gumagabay sa akin tungo sa aking paroroonan at mga bagong paninindigan na aking ipaglalaban sa kabila ng matinding kagipitan.

Ang mga alaalang iniwan sa akin ng pagiging isang mag-aaral ay mananatili sa akin habambuhay (unless of course magka-amnesia ako. I hope not) kaya naman ganun na lang ang lungkot ko sapagkat sa darating na Sabado tutuldukan ang mga alaalang iyon. At lahat ng iyon ay mananatili na lamang isang alaala habambuhay. Di na mauulit, di na magpapatuloy.

Umaasa ako na sa darating na mga araw, mawawala rin ang kalungkutan ko, maglalaho rin ang pangungulila ko but a part of me wanted all of these to last just so I could cherish every moment of it (again di ko alam ang magandang translation nito, I just can't think straight tonight). Mushy stuff. Mushy stuff. (Put all other mushiness here).

A part of me want things to stay where they are because it's safe and I'm happy but then a part of me want things to move forward just so I could move on and progress and say "I'm done with this!" (my way of saying I quit without really quitting, just finishing what I started and accomplishing things. haha). Hence the title.

Push-Pull Depression. Ito ang panahong nag-aagaw ang ligaya't lungkot, panahon kung saan ang mga magkakasalungat na mga damdami'y naghahalo at nagiging isa. Ito ang aking nararamdan. Ito ang panahon. Ito ang Prelude to Graduation